July 14, 1975 In which I write about Jeremy's visit

Monday

10:20 am

It is surprising that I have not written about Jeremy yet. He arrived here 12 days ago on July 1. We left for Minocqua on the 3^rd and got back yesterday. All-in-all the time has been great and my love for Jeremy has grown with each passing day. We have had arguments - or "fall-outs" which usually were instigated by my awful temper or moods. I do love him though - there is no doubting that fact. Cindy may be coming back to Elgin - we got a post card from her and couldn't make it out. That will be great!

Got to go now - my mom is wanting breakfast. (actually this probably says -- my man is wanting breakfast now that I look at it again.)

Note:
Cindy's handwriting was usually difficult to read, so that's why the post card was indecipherable, I suppose.

June 26, 1975 In which Stephanie visits again

Thursday

Stephanie was over today. She's out here for a few days.

I wish I could think of things to say when she is here, but I guess I'm afraid of sounding like a prude or something. She told me that the man she is living with isn't the one she married. It doesn't matter to me one way or another -- as long as she is happy, I suppose.

She has a book for me to read. She wants to stop over before she leaves to meet Jeremy.

She has once more invited me to come out to California. I hope that someday I can make it. I'd like to visit all the states at least once.

Note:
The book Stephanie loaned me was Narcissus and Goldmund by Herman Hesse. I think I still have it.

I did eventually visit Stephanie in California - about eight years later when we were spending time in LA.

June 22, 1975 In which our tv dies

Saturday

11:06 p. m.

I am not angry now. :-) I am sort of nothing. Lightening struck our T.V. antenna tonight - no Monty Python's Flying Circus. :-(

I went to Bill & Sue's picnic today. Actually I am tired.

Note:
I'm pretty sure that this was the lightening strike that set us on a
year-long involuntary TV fast. Maybe my folks couldn't afford a new one?

Bill and Sue - that would be Bill P. and his first wife. His parents were
my parent's best friends. Don't remember the picnic.

Interesting to note - I got married exactly 10 years later.

June 16, 1975 In which I am angry and hate my hair-do

Monday

I am angry. I've got a tightness in my stomach. I have no reason to be angry. Why do I get angry? My pants are uncomfortable. They don't bend much.

I am angry because mother won't take me downtown to pick up my watch. She didn't like it anyway -- oh, that's not true. Why can't I write neatly when I'm upset? Why can't I write neatly period? Why won't this darn feeling leave? Why won't it pass from my body like it did that time with Sue?

Why do I not like my hair? I parted it on the side for a change and Mom & Dad both liked it. But I don't. If I change now they will accuse me of not liking just to spite them.

Note:
Don't remember this. Don't remember the time I got over anger with Sue. Don't remember parting my hair on the side.

June 12, 1975 In which I write a bit about my father

Thursday

Father -

A masculine, happy man is my Dad.

I hardly remember him in the first few years of my life. His appearance wasn't sudden. He sort of melted into the picture.

Note:
Considering what's become of my father, this is a bittersweet entry. I wish I'd written more at the time. I think I did write something somewhere, about my relationship with my dad. It will be interesting to read it if I find it.

June 5, 1975 In which I have a self-evaluation session.

Unbelivable! I am back once more this week. Summer or Spring must do something to make me write more often.

I need to make some decisions. Very important ones as a matter of fact. See, I've come to the conclusion that I am myself - no one else - and I know what's best for me better than anyone.

#1 Do I want to go to college?
Pros- Good Pay afterward Become more learned Self-satisfying Better Job	Cons- Costs money Hard work Get up early Exams

Well, maybe I don't want intensly to go, but I have to - for myself and for my family. No! Leave family out of it. This is my own evaluation.

#2 (the hardest) What about Jeremy?
Do I love him? Yes, but I didn't ever have much experience with other guys to know if this is "love or lust". I do want him physically, but my feeling is deeper than that. His interests, his mind. I love his love for me.
Yeah, it's love.I suppose I knew that answer but it has bothered me from time to time.

#3 What are my feelings towards sex?

Sex. What does that wird signify? My first thought is dirt. Why? That can't be how I was brought up. Does society do it? Make me feel that way I mean?

Then, mingled with that is fear and pleasure desire. I fear sex, but I want it too. I am afraid of what my first time in bed with a man will be like, but I am also wanting that time to come.

What about simple kissing and touching? I am embarrassed about that too. I wish there were nothing to fear of sex. Why do I worry about what others think? I'd like to just go out and let what happens happen. I wish I could be impulsive more often. I think that sex is an impulsive thing. Not a let's do IT a week from Friday at 3:00.

Wow! I guess I have a lot of feelings on that subject. (no pun intended)

I guess I was given an overdose of guilt feelings.

Note:
Ok, not a lot to say on that post. I think I said it all. I am surprised that I questioned going to college though. I thought I wanted to go.

June 3, 1975 In which I write about a movie

Tuesday

Not much time to write. I just wanted to record my emotions of the film, A War of Children. It may have been dramatized, but there is a conflict going on in Ireland. Therer is a hell going on there. I vow to go there someday and get the truth. I've heard so many sides of it. How can God let things like that happen?

A mother tarred and feathered her own daughter for sleeping with a British soldier. A British soldier hit a little boy with the end of his rifel, killing him. I am thankful for living in a peacful place but I can't help wanting to help those who are in war places.

Note:
I remember this movie, but when I was typing the above had it confused with a movie called Children in the Crossfire. An Internet search reveals that both movies were directed by the same man. After the second film I wanted to have a Catholic and Protestant Irish child stay with us for a summer - like in the movie. I wonder if that program is still going. Good old Internet - Yep it is.

June 2, 1975 In which high school ends

Monday

I've been looking through this journal for a while. Some entries sound so stupid - other squite profound (for myself).

Today was the last day at Larkin High and I only cried once - Kathy B. gave me a card on which she wrote a verse. Of all the people I've met recently I think I'll miss her the most. We had great talks.

I only knew her for a while, but I really love her. She's a super person.

I want to write down my feelings on he last day of school so I'll have something to look back on in years to come.

Ma's making dinner. I really should help her.

I love her too.

Note:
I wonder what happened to Kathy B. She was nice, but I don't have any solid
memories of her - just a vague she was there, she was fun.

The names I called my mom. Sometimes mom, sometimes mother - now Ma? Was
that supposed to be a joke or affectionate?

May 6, 1975 In which I wonder what my future will hold

Tuesday

10:11 pm

I don't know why I am writing this now. I don't have anything to say. I don't have any time either. I've been reading my former entries. Wouldn't it be super if I would become an author? Then I could look back at my journal for ideas of stories. I wonder what I'll be doing in ten years. Will I be married? If so, to whom? Jeremy? I hope so. I was thinking about him - not that it is rare to think of him - and the fact that he's British. I knew three years ago that I would marry an Englishman. I remember when I thought that I was falling in "like" with Dan that I said to myself I can't like him - he's not a "rich Englishman". Well, Jeremy may not be rich, but he's English. I think that England must hold some sort of mystical powers for me or something. It must if I would consider spending the rest of my life there. I do love England. It must be that I've fallen in love with the country. Before going even. In seventh grade already I thought the country wonderful. I think though I was born and raised in America and I do love it here very much - that it is like my parents. But now England has proposed to me and I want to go with Her. I can't explain it. It's more than the fact that I love and want to marry on of Her inhabitants.

I don't think I'm going to get my room cleaned - I'll do it tomorrow.

18 days left of high school. About 56 days until Jeremy comes.

Note:
I remember the feelings I had about my love for England. Whenever I'd
land there I felt as if I were going home.

I wish I'd written more about what I thought I'd be doing in ten years. Ten years after this entry I was getting ready to be married - later that summer.

April 12, 1975 In which I think about anniversaries and kisses

Saturday

This is it. After tonight I will have known what Jeremy looked like for 365 days. One full revolution around the sun by the earth. I feel apprehensive about something. Something is going to begin... or end!

What though? It is, no doubt, due to my wild imagination and sentimentality. Of course it is. Why should I think so much about dates? Probably because I am a Virgo. And the reason I question the reason is the Leo in me. Naw! That stuff ain't true!

Soon it will be one year from the date of our first kiss - which always is a landmark in my mind. I still remember the day Bob first kissed me. Just a peck compared to Jeremy's kiss. I was so proud. I wasn't "Sweet 16 and never been kissed" anymore. Then practically a year passed until Jeremy's kiss. Then six weeks until Jeremy's kiss in England. It's been nine months since my lips have touched his.

I remember clearly the feeling of helplessness as we said goodbye. There was nothing either of us could do. Just hold onto the end. The last embrace was one of such passion to last nine...ten...eleven months. How were we sure that we would ever meet again? Nothing's ever positive.

Note:
Obviously I've never gotten over looking back at
the past and thinking about milestones. Isn't that why I'm doing this?

March 29, 1975 In which I am lonely and jealous

Saturday

11:30 am

What have I done this vacation? Nothing! When I go back to school Lori will have done a million things and I will pretend to listen, but I will be angry inside - perhaps it will rise to the surface and I will scream. No - it won't, I'd better not. I don't have many close friends as it is, why lose Lori?

What happened to all my friends? Have they died? No, I have. I have no money with which to go out anyway.

I'm tucked away in a little corner of the world and no one ever sees me. no one cares. No one says, "Let's call Dona." Maybe I talk about Jeremy too much. Is that possible? I have vowed not to mention him sometimes - but I get so sick of "Mark this, Glenn that" and now it's Jim this and that" too.

Am I jealous that I don't have a boyfriend or three here? Should I really be saving myself for Jeremy so well? But he has no fear of me being "taken away" because no one shows any interest anyway.

I feel so ugly lately. Why? My teeth are clean - as of this morning. I really need to escape! Perhaps I'm missing school. (Ick - missing school?! No way.). It must be that I am missing people! Oh, my parents are all right and Kevin is a lot of fun, but I need the company of people my own age. I had a great time last Sunday.

Well with Grandma coming it will be a change. Perhaps people will be coming over.

I'd like to take a walk, but where to? It is probably too cold anyway. Maybe I will get a letter from Jeremy or Cindy - or Meg - she owes me one. Pam has boring letters. Anyway I got one from her yesterday. It would be great if the tape would arrive to day.

I've got to finish [reading] that Essay for English. It is so boring! I'm not hungry so I think I'll read it after I make my bed. Then I'll read That Hideous Strength. I don't quite understand that either. My gosh, I'm in a terrible mess.

Note:
I remember being jealous of Lori - I'd always considered her a little nerdy, so when she had a string of boyfriends I was surprised and, yes, jealous.

As for the feelings of not having friends - I don't know why I felt like that - I mean where the friends went. I was a little hard to get along with - so that's most likely the story.

March 25, 1975 In which it snows, I get gloomy and consider colleges

Tuesday

12:17 pm

See the date? ^↑ It snowed yesterday - and today it is snowing! SNOWING! And cold. Ma Nature must have something against green this year.

I was sick on Friday - great day to be sick, huh? The day before vacation. Oh well, at least I finished The Hollow Hills. That was a great book.

I also read - in one day mind you- The Last Unicorn. It was a good book too. I think I'll have Jeremy read it - he should enjoy it. It has a sad -sniff- ending but things will work out.

I've lost all of my good pens. That is very upsetting, I must say. I'm listening to my "John Denver's Greatest Hits" album. Leaving on a Jet Plane is playing now. It doesn't make me cry anymore - unless I'm feeling gloomy anyhow. I usually get gloomy after hearing it though. Good God! I was mistaken. It does bring tears to my eyes.

I always thought being in love as different than I know it. I guess I had in mind being with my love - most of the time - not the other way around. And everyone calls me "lucky". Anyone with a love so close doesn't realize how lucky they are. But then - I am lucky - not because I am in love with an English guy - but that the person I love loves me back - and that boy / man is Jeremy R. B.

Today is the anniversary of the downfall of Barad-dûr in S. R. 1419 so says my J. R. R. Tolkien Calendar. I really must finish Return of the King. It isn't doing any good at school - I hardly understand it as it is, and reading on the bus is hopeless.

I just mailed three letters - one to Stephanie, Mr & Mrs B. and one to Beth Navin (from National College). Now I must find Janet's letter, fill out the Basic Opportunity Grant and write to Northeastern. I have to get ready for Grandma - she is having trouble with her operation. I hope she is okay. I think mother is really worried about her - I don't blame her.

Note:
I think I remember this day. I think I even took a photograph of the snow on the roof (then misremembered it as May. I remember reading the three books mentioned in this post.

I don't remember writing to colleges though - I wanted to go to both Northeaster in Boston and the one in Chicago. My father made so little money I could pretty much go anywhere in state (perhaps even out of state) for nothing. Pretty weird - I remember talking to my counselor and he couldn't figure out why my parents insisted on sending me to ECC and Northern when my test scores were decent and I was eligible for financial aid - the kind I didn't have to pay back even.

Things happen for a reason. Had I not gone to ECC I would not have known Debbie. Then perhaps I would not have had anything to talk to Dean about when we first met. Then my children would not be here. Now that's a scary thought.

March 13, 1975 In which I want inspiration

Thursday

10:30 pm

I say the dumbest things sometimes. Then it plagues me forever. Oh well, I guess everyone feels like that at times.

I painted a wooden shelf and my reading lamp. The lamp is really nice - I put flowers and butterflies on it. I was going to clean the basement, but it was too dusty.

I found a picture of Christ that used to hang above my bed when I was young. I hung it next to my bed -for some reason I feel secure knowing he's there, watching over me.

I wonder who first painted Christ in the image he is always portrayed. Did the artist get an inspiration?

Speaking about inspirations, I'd like one. I wish I had a fantastic thing to write about.

Note:
Until very recently I would feel that anytime I opened my mouth to talk, I'd say something stupid. Now it just happens occasionally.

The lamp I painted is still working and lighting the room as I type this now. Only it is back to its green color. My husband liked the lamp, but didn't like the bright yellow with poorly painted butterflies and flowers. It looks better now, but it is still kind of sad. I liked it yellow.

A few years ago I wrote a blog entry about the picture of Jesus that I mention in this journal entry.

March 1, 1975 In which I dream I cried

12:00 mid day

I'd better write more often if I expect to have anything interesting to read in future years. I've become so disappointed with myself lately. I can't seem to get anything done. Cinder is disappointed in me too. She is biting my hand.

I had a dream last night that the new kids from England came and I cried as they walked in the building because this year I wouldn't be able to do anything with them. Oh well, I had my time. I am so looking forward to this summer. We'll take Jeremy everywhere.

Cindy M. and I are going to write a petition against Woodruff and Edwards pollution. We really need to get together to make it up. I've got a lot to do now - I am really trying to change the rut I've gotten myself into. It's Hell.

Note:
I can imagine the dream - and feeling left out. But I still had a link to England - and would for years to come.

I hope I write about how the Woodruff and Edwards thing turned out. If not, I wrote about it elsewhere.

February 10, 1975 In which I write about a lot of things

Monday

3:18 pm

What a crazy entry ↑. Was I drunk?

I've just woken up. Why do I always fall asleep? I'm not really tired - perhaps Daddy's right - I'm just bored with life. I hope not.

Awful things have been happening. - Corrine (Aunt) sent Jim and Bob to their father - or at least they left and are living with their dad. I hate divorce. When mother told me I began to cry - that's how upset it made me. I wish I could help them - but perhaps they are happier. I'm just afraid that we will J & B as much as we see Julie and Debbie. I wonder how they are getting on. I hope that someday Jim and I can have a real good talk. I vow that when Jeremy and I are married we will visit Jim and Lori (or whomever) and Bob & whomever.

Cinder is blocking my way now - she just sat on the book and her paw is right above my writing. She is really beautiful - is my Cinder. Now she is sniffing me.

I wonder if Jeremy will like Cinder. I hope so. He will probably end up sleeping with her sometimes, Cindy did.

I talked to Sue B. today. I haven't talked to her for a long time - I wish we could be as close as we once were - or were we close? I think not. I think that Sue B. finds it difficult to be close to anyone. That's too bad - she is a lot of fun.

Lori and I skipped Gym today. We were going to walk to Highland to see her mother but since the chill factor was 17º below zero we had second thoughts. Instead we went to McDonald's.

I told Mr. Caldwell that the term "Chuck" is still used in England. Then I ended up telling him that I had a boyfriend there. He wanted to know the facts so I talked to him for a while - he is a really good teacher.

Note:
Don't remember being tired a lot - must have been the teen years.

Jim and Bob - Bob ended up moving in with us, Jim went back to his mom eventually. I rarely saw Jim after I was married. He got married after I did and I think we saw him once then. I wish I'd kept my vow and seen him more often. He died a number of years ago.

Sue B. once confided that she did have trouble being close to people, but she is now happily married with two teen boys. She lives not far from us, but we rarely see her. We need to fix that. I always like being with her and I like her husband.

January 1, 1975 In which I have ink stained fingers and misspell anno domini

10:07 pm

New Year - New section - New me? No, same old ink stained me. How does one hold a fountain pen neatly? My entire hand is splotched with blue/black ink - how grotesque. Oh well, no matter -- I'll be asleep soon and won't be able to see the ink since my eyes will be shut and the light will be off.

Hey man, it's the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and seventy-five addio dominis. Is that right? I know that it isn't after death. Oh well, who cares. No one is going to read this but me - and perhaps Jeremy, until I die so why worry.

I like that guy and awful lot. I think he likes me too. I wish we could be together again. Oh well, when we are married... Married? Am I getting married? Me - the girl who swore to die an old maid - but not a virgin. Bye

Note
Normally I fix spelling mistakes when transcribing this, but the addio dominis was too cute - and if I'd corrected it, it would have lost context in a way.

Funny how I had no idea I'd ever post these words somewhere for the world to see.

Subject | January 1, 1975 -

• War
• Sex
• Jeremy
• Love
• College
  

December 31, 1974 In which I write about 1974 some more

10:05

Well, 1974 is almost over. Later I'll be sad, I'm too excited to be sad. I just conversed with Jeremy, his mother and father. My stomach doesn't feel quite right — all excited and churning.

11:00

I've calmed down now. Kevin and I are playing Crazy 8's. I've got to think of two pages of things to say now before midnight.

We went out to dinner tonight - to the Nordic [steakhouse]. Daddy mentioned calling England. I thought he was kidding. He kept on saying it and that he would pay for it. well, I was nervous and didn't want to call so he called and got Mr. B after quite a few rings and then I got on the phone and talked to Jeremy and his parents. I could think of nothing to say and kept on jumping from one foot to another. (That wasn't due to having to use the toilet either). Anyway, that was the most spectacular New Year Eve's present I've ever received!

Well, back to the review of my year. It ws pretty good. Again, it had a few ups and downs. Of course the top of the list is Jeremy, closely followed by England. Then third place is tied with so many others I couldn't begin to name them and be fair.

All in all, life was pretty kind to me. My very first real love ("I love you" kind of love) I hope it is my only love from now on. Jeremy is a wonderful person and I'm in Love with him and he loves me too (three, four etc [smiley face]).

A year ago tonight I was at Turner's feeling sad. Tonight I feel anticipation - wondering what next year will bring. College! My god! I'm going to college next year. Pretty soon (34 minutes to be exact) next year will be this year and this year will be last year. Strange! Unbelievable!

I hope I keep up this tradition — actually this is my second annual New Year's eve writing in my journal.

Resolutions? Made any? (yeah, learn how to spell!!!) Just like last year's to be myself, I guess. But moreso. I don't have the male sex to worry about (except my male).

I've decided not to worry about my figure. It is good enough for me I'm sure that I have other qualities that make up for my bosom.

I've made another decision — a very important decision — to take up Special Education and go to ECC one year and finish up at Northeastern.

I met a bunch of superfantastic people this year, especially Chris King, Nigel, Mr. and Mrs. Burgoyne, Mr and Mrs. Chadwick, Sue B., Julia T., Kathy and I forgot - oh dear. Renee and Nancy, all the kids at TAP. I've also met myself. That was the most important meeting I've had. I must live with myself all my life. I'd better like me.

My best friend left for Spain this year. (now 15 minutes left in it!) Sad parting. I had a great time with her in other years. I guess in our growing up we grew apart.

Lori and I became close and then apart. I think that this year has made me harder, yet softer in some ways.

I think I've come back to God. I lost him a while ago — I don't know exactly when. Jeremy has helped me find religion.

I've decided to be cremated. Grotesque to think about now - but one never knows.

I decided to marry Jeremy and have his baby (or two). All the time before I wouldn't dream of having a kid. (pain and embarrassing).

I played Guitar a bit this year (last year too).

I turned of age this year. My god — only 10 more minutes of 1974.

I love you 1974. You have been so kind to me. I hope you have a nice trip to wherever you go after...

Hey — there will never be another 1974. It is unique. So am I — everything is — in their own way.

I will treasure 1974 in my heart forever.

As last year I will litter the back side of this paper with memories of 1974.

I love Jeremy. (1974 - thank you for giving him to me, Farewell! (5 min left))

Note:
One thing that I didn't mention about this year was Betsy's death. She was a friend from junior high - we were not close anymore, but at one time were friends. In junior high she began wearing a wig. Wigs were fashionable then, so I assumed she just liked wearing the wig for show. I made a remark once at the lunch table that she lookd better with her real hair.

I discovered a year or two later that she wore the wig because she was going through chemotherapy. She had leukemia. She died during the visit of the British students in April. I remember Lori telling me about Betsy's death after I told Lori about the fun I'd had on a trip with the British students.

It pains me that I was so selfish. A fellow student struggled for and lost her life and I didn't even have the decency to document it, let alone visit her in the hospital or even go to her funeral.

December 30, 1974 In which I list all the highights of 1974

I guess that it is about time for my run-down of the year nineteen hundred and seventy-four AD

I think I will try a month-by-month review:

January: Began working at Ben Franklin, broke old specs & got oval wire rims, Greg began taking me to school, Dan T's B'day party [drawing of present]

February: Ears pierced

March: Rock-a-thon, Sue "sister" B.

April: Vilma & others, Chris, JEREMY, Vilma leaving, C. S. Lewis & J. R. R. Tolkien Festival, The Sting, The Great Gatsby, Marcia's Party

May: Planting Eric, The Creek, Other Parties, Good-bye, First love letter from Jeremy, Prom

June: First Airplane ride, England! Telephone call to Jeremy, Reunion of two lovers

July: Proposal, France, Scotland, Lake District, Flamborough Head etc, Parting & tears #2

August: 18 years old! Goodbye to Cindy

September: A senior!

October: -----------------

November: Northeastern, Hank's death

December: J.R.R Tolkien Calendar & Call to Jeremy

Note:
It seemed as if 1974 was a good year for me. It is funny to note that I crossed out the r in lovers to make it loves. Perhaps lovers meant something to physical for me. I don't remember who Hank was whose name I crossed out before the word death.

December 26, 1974 In which I list my Christmas presents and rearrange my room

10:54 pm

Pam was over today. It was nice to see her. My gifts were:

• 2 JRR Tolkien calendars (I'm sending one to Jeremy)
  
• 1 from Renee & Nancy
• 1 from Mom & Dad
• Mel Meyer gave me a cosmetic case and change purse in matching colors
• Sue B gave me a memo board of the sea
• Lori S. gave me a bottle of Intimate Cream Sachet
• Kevin gave me a tin of biscuits (bickies)
• I got a lavender toga nightgown
• Purse
• Book (The Hollow Hills)
• Book of Sweets
• Embroidered lion - very Aslanish
• white blouse
• rosebud earrings
• silver cross from mom and dad
• Both grandmothers gave me $10
• Aunt Pat gave me $5
• Jeremy sent me a bracelet
  

I got a letter from Jeremy today. I replied very harshly. I don't want to discuss it. I wish we were together. I'm cold.

I changed my room around today.

There is now much more room.

Note:
I remember many of those Christmas gifts. I still have the Embroidered Aslanish lion, in fact it is in the other room.

December 14, 1974 In which I write a bad poem and fairy story about love

Saturday

I don't know why I am writing tonight. Because I feel like it I guess. Good reason.

I wish I could write a poem
It is a great ambition for me.
Words don't come to me,
As they do for some.

Once, not too very long ago a young princess lived. She lived in a beautiful house with two wonderful parents and a great kid brother. Her life was quiet and full of peace. That was before...before the prince charming stopped by for directions to the next castle. As soon as the princess and prince saw each other they knew that they loved each other. Now that the princess has found love her life is in a constant turmoil.

Note:
Not much to say about this entry. I guess I felt in turmoil and needed a different way to express it than simple teen angst.

23/24th Novemer, 1974 In which I have a bunch of questions

Saturday/Sunday

I love Jeremy.

What does that mean? "I" means Dona Lee Patrick, that's simple. "Jeremy" is Jeremy Richard Burgyone. But what is love? Pleasure? Security? I didn't get a letter from him this week. When this happens I begin wondering what life without him would be like. Sometimes I use him for a crutch and a reason that I don't date. It is nice having a reason instead of the fact that no one asked me.

"The Sting" — such memories. The song is playing now. "Our song" The first time he put his arm around me was during this song. We kissed during this song in England. When I remember our happy times together I know I couldn't live without him. I shall never love another human being as I love him. I want to have his children, but I'm frightened. I think about death a lot. Jeremy's death, my own. That I have some terminal illness or he was blown up or some terrible thing such as that.

David was back the other day. He hasn't been around for years. I used to conjure up some pretty weird adventures for us to go on. Being spys and scuh. Funny thing though, we never kissed or anything in my fantasies but when he came back we were quite intimate. He was my imaginary crutch in Junior High. Then I thought I had Gary. Then I just suffered, knowing that imaging was getting me nowhere. Sometimes now I wish I could date. But not often as I hate large parties. I want to go out with some guy and make out with him in a car — sometimes. But that wave of "sexual desire" fades fast and I'm myself again, writing to Jeremy in letters filled with love. I love him very much. I shall never cease.

Note:
More angst filled questions, probably brought on by studying psychology at an early age.

David is another story. An embarrassing one at that. In Junior High school I pretended I was dating David Henesey from Dark Shadows. I'm pretty sure I only pretended to myself, not to the general public. The only time I really remember prentending this was during chorus. I had no singing vocie, so would concentrate on my imagenary boyfriend — David — while I squawked.

17th October, 1974 In which I spout cliches ad nauseam

What is important? Is money important? Is love? Material/Idealistic - what am I? Who am I? Why am I me? Why am I asking such unanswerable questions? Why are they unanswerable? Life is important I guess. Happiness in life is important. I am happy. Why am I happy? What do I really have that is important? I've got love. Someone loves me and I love back. In fact a few people love me. I love them. I could really be myself if I could try. I'm waiting for tomorrow. Tomorrow never ocmes. Today is yesterday's tomorrow and tomorrow's yesterday.

I wish I could sing. I wish I could do many things. I wish Eve had never eaten that apple. Maybe the important things are what come from onself. Money doesn't, so money isn't important. Singing is. Loving is. Sight is. But nature is important because it is beautiful.. Oh well. Ta-ra.

Note:
It is obvious I was taking psychology. Enough said. Geesh.

September 7, 1974 In which I worry about censorship

2:21 pm

In a letter the other day Jeremy suggested, after we are married, to read each other's journals. I don't know how I like that idea. But I suppose that after we are married we will have no secrets from each other. Not that I have any from him now, but what if someday I do? I won't even be able to write it down. I feel now that I must censor what I write. I'm still not going to worry about spelling things wrong.

I talked to Sue this morning. She is going to ruin what she made, I'm afraid. She wants Drooper to stay with her but it can only be for two or three weeks. That means that Jeremy can only stay for that long. She says that we will end up hating each other (Jeremy and I). That's not true. I will never hate him. I don't think I could hate him if he turned Communist. I am really in love with him. Real love - not Lust like Mr. Ismail says.

Note:
I kind of remember Jeremy suggesting this. I don't remember my reaction, but apparently I was against it, and with good reason. Of course, I am posting my journal online for the world to see, but still...

How funny that I thought the worst thing someone could become was a Communist. How I've changed. Now I think I'd switch that word to Republican.

I have no idea who Drooper was - probably a British guy that Sue fancied. He didn't come to the States the next summer when Jeremy did.

Mr Ismail was my high school psychology teacher and he challenged us to define love. He countered each definition we gave with, "That's Lust, not love". He defined it as wanting to spend 95% of your free time with the object of your desire. I think he was nuts.

September 1, 1974 In which I am, again, depressed. Or something.

Almost a month since I last wrote. It's been a long time. School begins in two days. Why am I so depressed? Why? I feel like crying- but not one tear will come. I don't think I feel this way because I miss Jeremy. I do miss him, more than ever, but it's more than missing him I feel. Something else. Not having a job? Could be. My room is clean for once. What else could it be? Could be that Jeremy is dreaming about me or something. Or maybe something terrible has happened to him. God not that, can't be it. Why don't I just cry? Everything would be alright then. Perhaps. I'm empty. I feel like my soul has left my body. I feel like I'm being dragged, or pushed or... I don't know. Forget it.

Note:
I don't remember this at all, but I do remember wanting to cry sometimes - that crying completely cleaned me out. I imagine it was all hormones, but at the time, of course didn't know that.