Journal Entry #5 -- September 25, 1975

I hate college. There is no doubt about it. But I have to go. If I want my family to respect me I've got to go. I hate Mr. Lehr. He is an old stupid man who should have been put out to pasture years ago. Well, I don't hate him. I hate the way he teaches. I know that hate is a strong word. I also know that I shouldn't use it. But I almost feel that strongly about homework. Why do I waste time? Time is so precious. I've learned that this summer.

I've got to get a job. I want to go to England next year so I've got to get a job. I don't want to -- my grades will suffer. I think I'm very un-self-disciplined. I've tried to be disciplined but I can't. I suppose I could if I tried. I think I will try. Tomorrow, instead of staying in bed after the alarm goes off, I'll get up and perhaps get something done. Then tomorrow night, instead of relaxing, I'll do homework. Saturday I'll go job hunting -- just see if I don't. I'll make it -- I'm sure of that.

Note:
I was not self-disciplined. I'm still not self-disciplined. College was a
rude-awakening. I didn't have to study much in high school for decent grades,
but college was another story, especially in classes where the professor
had been around a while. The newer professors were more easy going and
perhaps had more interesting ways of teaching.

Journal Entry #3 -- September 16, 1975

Why do I always feel like doodling when I get bored with history? I've just drawn a shoe on my folder and my hand keeps straying to the white part of the paper. I can't stand history! I don't even feel like writing now. I'm hungry. I should have never begun eating lunch again. I'll never get any studying done. I'm going to meet Karen and Sue in 20 minutes.

Note: All I remember about this post is hating history. The professor was an old school educator and his lectures were very boring. Plus, I didn't like the subject. I failed a few quizzes, but finally got the hang of college history.

September 4, 1975 -- Journal::Entry 1

I guess we are supposed to write in our journals. I don't know. That seems to be what I am usually thinking around here -- "I don't know". I don't know what is going on in my other classes. Either my mind is muddled or the teachers don't speak clearly. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here. But of course -- I can't "teach little kiddies" (as Dan said yesterday) without college. I could be married and in England right now if I weren't here, but I am and I guess I'd best make the best of it.

I dropped tennis today. It may have been a stupid move but I did it. I can't stand not knowing anyone in my group -- no one seems to want to be my partner. I didn't think I was that repulsive. I wonder what my mother will say when I tell her. I don't have to tell her I guess. But she'd find out sooner or later. It's not as if she is paying for college or anything like that.

Note:
I don't recall feeling so confused or depressed about junior college, however I do recall dropping tennis and feeling guilty about it.

It is a shame I didn't go to a 4-year school right away. I seemed to still be under my parents' control in college. My comment on them not paying for it was true. I received financial help from the Illinois State Scholarship Commission which meant my tuition was paid for. If I'd gone to a 4-year college and lived there, tuition and room & board would have been paid for.

To this day I don't know if my parents didn't understand this or if they were too proud to take that much money from the state. My guidance counselor was disappointed that I didn't even attempt to go to Illinois State University.

June 5, 1975 In which I have a self-evaluation session.

Unbelivable! I am back once more this week. Summer or Spring must do something to make me write more often.

I need to make some decisions. Very important ones as a matter of fact. See, I've come to the conclusion that I am myself - no one else - and I know what's best for me better than anyone.

#1 Do I want to go to college?
Pros- Good Pay afterward Become more learned Self-satisfying Better Job	Cons- Costs money Hard work Get up early Exams

Well, maybe I don't want intensly to go, but I have to - for myself and for my family. No! Leave family out of it. This is my own evaluation.

#2 (the hardest) What about Jeremy?
Do I love him? Yes, but I didn't ever have much experience with other guys to know if this is "love or lust". I do want him physically, but my feeling is deeper than that. His interests, his mind. I love his love for me.
Yeah, it's love.I suppose I knew that answer but it has bothered me from time to time.

#3 What are my feelings towards sex?

Sex. What does that wird signify? My first thought is dirt. Why? That can't be how I was brought up. Does society do it? Make me feel that way I mean?

Then, mingled with that is fear and pleasure desire. I fear sex, but I want it too. I am afraid of what my first time in bed with a man will be like, but I am also wanting that time to come.

What about simple kissing and touching? I am embarrassed about that too. I wish there were nothing to fear of sex. Why do I worry about what others think? I'd like to just go out and let what happens happen. I wish I could be impulsive more often. I think that sex is an impulsive thing. Not a let's do IT a week from Friday at 3:00.

Wow! I guess I have a lot of feelings on that subject. (no pun intended)

I guess I was given an overdose of guilt feelings.

Note:
Ok, not a lot to say on that post. I think I said it all. I am surprised that I questioned going to college though. I thought I wanted to go.