Friday, March 23, 2007

June 5, 1975
In which I have a self-evaluation session.

Unbelivable! I am back once more this week. Summer or Spring must do something to make me write more often.

I need to make some decisions. Very important ones as a matter of fact. See, I've come to the conclusion that I am myself - no one else - and I know what's best for me better than anyone.

#1 Do I want to go to college?
Good Pay afterward
Become more learned
Better Job
Costs money
Hard work
Get up early

Well, maybe I don't want intensly to go, but I have to - for myself and for my family. No! Leave family out of it. This is my own evaluation.

#2 (the hardest) What about Jeremy?
Do I love him? Yes, but I didn't ever have much experience with other guys to know if this is "love or lust". I do want him physically, but my feeling is deeper than that. His interests, his mind. I love his love for me.
Yeah, it's love.I suppose I knew that answer but it has bothered me from time to time.

#3 What are my feelings towards sex?

Sex. What does that wird signify? My first thought is dirt. Why? That can't be how I was brought up. Does society do it? Make me feel that way I mean?

Then, mingled with that is fear and pleasure desire. I fear sex, but I want it too. I am afraid of what my first time in bed with a man will be like, but I am also wanting that time to come.

What about simple kissing and touching? I am embarrassed about that too. I wish there were nothing to fear of sex. Why do I worry about what others think? I'd like to just go out and let what happens happen. I wish I could be impulsive more often. I think that sex is an impulsive thing. Not a let's do IT a week from Friday at 3:00.

Wow! I guess I have a lot of feelings on that subject. (no pun intended)

I guess I was given an overdose of guilt feelings.

Ok, not a lot to say on that post. I think I said it all. I am surprised that I questioned going to college though. I thought I wanted to go.

June 3, 1975
In which I write about a movie


Not much time to write. I just wanted to record my emotions of the film, A War of Children. It may have been dramatized, but there is a conflict going on in Ireland. Therer is a hell going on there. I vow to go there someday and get the truth. I've heard so many sides of it. How can God let things like that happen?

A mother tarred and feathered her own daughter for sleeping with a British soldier. A British soldier hit a little boy with the end of his rifel, killing him. I am thankful for living in a peacful place but I can't help wanting to help those who are in war places.

I remember this movie, but when I was typing the above had it confused with a movie called Children in the Crossfire. An Internet search reveals that both movies were directed by the same man. After the second film I wanted to have a Catholic and Protestant Irish child stay with us for a summer - like in the movie. I wonder if that program is still going. Good old Internet - Yep it is.

June 2, 1975
In which high school ends


I've been looking through this journal for a while. Some entries sound so stupid - other squite profound (for myself).

Today was the last day at Larkin High and I only cried once - Kathy B. gave me a card on which she wrote a verse. Of all the people I've met recently I think I'll miss her the most. We had great talks.

I only knew her for a while, but I really love her. She's a super person.

I want to write down my feelings on he last day of school so I'll have something to look back on in years to come.

Ma's making dinner. I really should help her.

I love her too.
I wonder what happened to Kathy B. She was nice, but I don't have any solid
memories of her - just a vague she was there, she was fun.

The names I called my mom. Sometimes mom, sometimes mother - now Ma? Was
that supposed to be a joke or affectionate?

May 6, 1975
In which I wonder what my future will hold


10:11 pm

I don't know why I am writing this now. I don't have anything to say. I don't have any time either. I've been reading my former entries. Wouldn't it be super if I would become an author? Then I could look back at my journal for ideas of stories. I wonder what I'll be doing in ten years. Will I be married? If so, to whom? Jeremy? I hope so. I was thinking about him - not that it is rare to think of him - and the fact that he's British. I knew three years ago that I would marry an Englishman. I remember when I thought that I was falling in "like" with Dan that I said to myself I can't like him - he's not a "rich Englishman". Well, Jeremy may not be rich, but he's English. I think that England must hold some sort of mystical powers for me or something. It must if I would consider spending the rest of my life there. I do love England. It must be that I've fallen in love with the country. Before going even. In seventh grade already I thought the country wonderful. I think though I was born and raised in America and I do love it here very much - that it is like my parents. But now England has proposed to me and I want to go with Her. I can't explain it. It's more than the fact that I love and want to marry on of Her inhabitants.

I don't think I'm going to get my room cleaned - I'll do it tomorrow.

18 days left of high school. About 56 days until Jeremy comes.

I remember the feelings I had about my love for England. Whenever I'd
land there I felt as if I were going home.

I wish I'd written more about what I thought I'd be doing in ten years. Ten years after this entry I was getting ready to be married - later that summer.

April 12, 1975
In which I think about anniversaries and kisses


This is it. After tonight I will have known what Jeremy looked like for 365 days. One full revolution around the sun by the earth. I feel apprehensive about something. Something is going to begin... or end!

What though? It is, no doubt, due to my wild imagination and sentimentality. Of course it is. Why should I think so much about dates? Probably because I am a Virgo. And the reason I question the reason is the Leo in me. Naw! That stuff ain't true!

Soon it will be one year from the date of our first kiss - which always is a landmark in my mind. I still remember the day Bob first kissed me. Just a peck compared to Jeremy's kiss. I was so proud. I wasn't "Sweet 16 and never been kissed" anymore. Then practically a year passed until Jeremy's kiss. Then six weeks until Jeremy's kiss in England. It's been nine months since my lips have touched his.

I remember clearly the feeling of helplessness as we said goodbye. There was nothing either of us could do. Just hold onto the end. The last embrace was one of such passion to last nine...ten...eleven months. How were we sure that we would ever meet again? Nothing's ever positive.
Obviously I've never gotten over looking back at
the past and thinking about milestones. Isn't that why I'm doing this?

March 29, 1975
In which I am lonely and jealous


11:30 am

What have I done this vacation? Nothing! When I go back to school Lori will have done a million things and I will pretend to listen, but I will be angry inside - perhaps it will rise to the surface and I will scream. No - it won't, I'd better not. I don't have many close friends as it is, why lose Lori?

What happened to all my friends? Have they died? No, I have. I have no money with which to go out anyway.

I'm tucked away in a little corner of the world and no one ever sees me. no one cares. No one says, "Let's call Dona." Maybe I talk about Jeremy too much. Is that possible? I have vowed not to mention him sometimes - but I get so sick of "Mark this, Glenn that" and now it's Jim this and that" too.

Am I jealous that I don't have a boyfriend or three here? Should I really be saving myself for Jeremy so well? But he has no fear of me being "taken away" because no one shows any interest anyway.

I feel so ugly lately. Why? My teeth are clean - as of this morning. I really need to escape! Perhaps I'm missing school. (Ick - missing school?! No way.). It must be that I am missing people! Oh, my parents are all right and Kevin is a lot of fun, but I need the company of people my own age. I had a great time last Sunday.

Well with Grandma coming it will be a change. Perhaps people will be coming over.

I'd like to take a walk, but where to? It is probably too cold anyway. Maybe I will get a letter from Jeremy or Cindy - or Meg - she owes me one. Pam has boring letters. Anyway I got one from her yesterday. It would be great if the tape would arrive to day.

I've got to finish [reading] that Essay for English. It is so boring! I'm not hungry so I think I'll read it after I make my bed. Then I'll read That Hideous Strength. I don't quite understand that either. My gosh, I'm in a terrible mess.

I remember being jealous of Lori - I'd always considered her a little nerdy, so when she had a string of boyfriends I was surprised and, yes, jealous.

As for the feelings of not having friends - I don't know why I felt like that - I mean where the friends went. I was a little hard to get along with - so that's most likely the story.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

March 25, 1975
In which it snows, I get gloomy and consider colleges


12:17 pm

See the date? It snowed yesterday - and today it is snowing! SNOWING! And cold. Ma Nature must have something against green this year.

I was sick on Friday - great day to be sick, huh? The day before vacation. Oh well, at least I finished The Hollow Hills. That was a great book.

I also read - in one day mind you- The Last Unicorn. It was a good book too. I think I'll have Jeremy read it - he should enjoy it. It has a sad -sniff- ending but things will work out.

I've lost all of my good pens. That is very upsetting, I must say. I'm listening to my "John Denver's Greatest Hits" album. Leaving on a Jet Plane is playing now. It doesn't make me cry anymore - unless I'm feeling gloomy anyhow. I usually get gloomy after hearing it though. Good God! I was mistaken. It does bring tears to my eyes.

I always thought being in love as different than I know it. I guess I had in mind being with my love - most of the time - not the other way around. And everyone calls me "lucky". Anyone with a love so close doesn't realize how lucky they are. But then - I am lucky - not because I am in love with an English guy - but that the person I love loves me back - and that boy / man is Jeremy R. B.

Today is the anniversary of the downfall of Barad-dûr in S. R. 1419 so says my J. R. R. Tolkien Calendar. I really must finish Return of the King. It isn't doing any good at school - I hardly understand it as it is, and reading on the bus is hopeless.

I just mailed three letters - one to Stephanie, Mr & Mrs B. and one to Beth Navin (from National College). Now I must find Janet's letter, fill out the Basic Opportunity Grant and write to Northeastern. I have to get ready for Grandma - she is having trouble with her operation. I hope she is okay. I think mother is really worried about her - I don't blame her.

I think I remember this day. I think I even took a photograph of the snow on the roof (then misremembered it as May. I remember reading the three books mentioned in this post.

I don't remember writing to colleges though - I wanted to go to both Northeaster in Boston and the one in Chicago. My father made so little money I could pretty much go anywhere in state (perhaps even out of state) for nothing. Pretty weird - I remember talking to my counselor and he couldn't figure out why my parents insisted on sending me to ECC and Northern when my test scores were decent and I was eligible for financial aid - the kind I didn't have to pay back even.

Things happen for a reason. Had I not gone to ECC I would not have known Debbie. Then perhaps I would not have had anything to talk to Dean about when we first met. Then my children would not be here. Now that's a scary thought.

March 13, 1975
In which I want inspiration


10:30 pm

I say the dumbest things sometimes. Then it plagues me forever. Oh well, I guess everyone feels like that at times.

I painted a wooden shelf and my reading lamp. The lamp is really nice - I put flowers and butterflies on it. I was going to clean the basement, but it was too dusty.

I found a picture of Christ that used to hang above my bed when I was young. I hung it next to my bed -for some reason I feel secure knowing he's there, watching over me.

I wonder who first painted Christ in the image he is always portrayed. Did the artist get an inspiration?

Speaking about inspirations, I'd like one. I wish I had a fantastic thing to write about.

Until very recently I would feel that anytime I opened my mouth to talk, I'd say something stupid. Now it just happens occasionally.

The lamp I painted is still working and lighting the room as I type this now. Only it is back to its green color. My husband liked the lamp, but didn't like the bright yellow with poorly painted butterflies and flowers. It looks better now, but it is still kind of sad. I liked it yellow.

A few years ago I wrote a blog entry about the picture of Jesus that I mention in this journal entry.

March 1, 1975
In which I dream I cried

12:00 mid day

I'd better write more often if I expect to have anything interesting to read in future years. I've become so disappointed with myself lately. I can't seem to get anything done. Cinder is disappointed in me too. She is biting my hand.

I had a dream last night that the new kids from England came and I cried as they walked in the building because this year I wouldn't be able to do anything with them. Oh well, I had my time. I am so looking forward to this summer. We'll take Jeremy everywhere.

Cindy M. and I are going to write a petition against Woodruff and Edwards pollution. We really need to get together to make it up. I've got a lot to do now - I am really trying to change the rut I've gotten myself into. It's Hell.

I can imagine the dream - and feeling left out. But I still had a link to England - and would for years to come.

I hope I write about how the Woodruff and Edwards thing turned out. If not, I wrote about it elsewhere.

February 10, 1975
In which I write about a lot of things


3:18 pm

What a crazy entry . Was I drunk?

I've just woken up. Why do I always fall asleep? I'm not really tired - perhaps Daddy's right - I'm just bored with life. I hope not.

Awful things have been happening. - Corrine (Aunt) sent Jim and Bob to their father - or at least they left and are living with their dad. I hate divorce. When mother told me I began to cry - that's how upset it made me. I wish I could help them - but perhaps they are happier. I'm just afraid that we will J & B as much as we see Julie and Debbie. I wonder how they are getting on. I hope that someday Jim and I can have a real good talk. I vow that when Jeremy and I are married we will visit Jim and Lori (or whomever) and Bob & whomever.

Cinder is blocking my way now - she just sat on the book and her paw is right above my writing. She is really beautiful - is my Cinder. Now she is sniffing me.

I wonder if Jeremy will like Cinder. I hope so. He will probably end up sleeping with her sometimes, Cindy did.

I talked to Sue B. today. I haven't talked to her for a long time - I wish we could be as close as we once were - or were we close? I think not. I think that Sue B. finds it difficult to be close to anyone. That's too bad - she is a lot of fun.

Lori and I skipped Gym today. We were going to walk to Highland to see her mother but since the chill factor was 17º below zero we had second thoughts. Instead we went to McDonald's.

I told Mr. Caldwell that the term "Chuck" is still used in England. Then I ended up telling him that I had a boyfriend there. He wanted to know the facts so I talked to him for a while - he is a really good teacher.

Don't remember being tired a lot - must have been the teen years.

Jim and Bob - Bob ended up moving in with us, Jim went back to his mom eventually. I rarely saw Jim after I was married. He got married after I did and I think we saw him once then. I wish I'd kept my vow and seen him more often. He died a number of years ago.

Sue B. once confided that she did have trouble being close to people, but she is now happily married with two teen boys. She lives not far from us, but we rarely see her. We need to fix that. I always like being with her and I like her husband.

January 1, 1975
In which I have ink stained fingers and misspell anno domini

10:07 pm

New Year - New section - New me? No, same old ink stained me. How does one hold a fountain pen neatly? My entire hand is splotched with blue/black ink - how grotesque. Oh well, no matter -- I'll be asleep soon and won't be able to see the ink since my eyes will be shut and the light will be off.

Hey man, it's the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and seventy-five addio dominis. Is that right? I know that it isn't after death. Oh well, who cares. No one is going to read this but me - and perhaps Jeremy, until I die so why worry.

I like that guy and awful lot. I think he likes me too. I wish we could be together again. Oh well, when we are married... Married? Am I getting married? Me - the girl who swore to die an old maid - but not a virgin. Bye

Normally I fix spelling mistakes when transcribing this, but the addio dominis was too cute - and if I'd corrected it, it would have lost context in a way.

Funny how I had no idea I'd ever post these words somewhere for the world to see.

Subject | January 1, 1975 -

  • War
  • Sex
  • Jeremy
  • Love
  • College