23/24th Novemer, 1974 In which I have a bunch of questions

Saturday/Sunday

I love Jeremy.

What does that mean? "I" means Dona Lee Patrick, that's simple. "Jeremy" is Jeremy Richard Burgyone. But what is love? Pleasure? Security? I didn't get a letter from him this week. When this happens I begin wondering what life without him would be like. Sometimes I use him for a crutch and a reason that I don't date. It is nice having a reason instead of the fact that no one asked me.

"The Sting" — such memories. The song is playing now. "Our song" The first time he put his arm around me was during this song. We kissed during this song in England. When I remember our happy times together I know I couldn't live without him. I shall never love another human being as I love him. I want to have his children, but I'm frightened. I think about death a lot. Jeremy's death, my own. That I have some terminal illness or he was blown up or some terrible thing such as that.

David was back the other day. He hasn't been around for years. I used to conjure up some pretty weird adventures for us to go on. Being spys and scuh. Funny thing though, we never kissed or anything in my fantasies but when he came back we were quite intimate. He was my imaginary crutch in Junior High. Then I thought I had Gary. Then I just suffered, knowing that imaging was getting me nowhere. Sometimes now I wish I could date. But not often as I hate large parties. I want to go out with some guy and make out with him in a car — sometimes. But that wave of "sexual desire" fades fast and I'm myself again, writing to Jeremy in letters filled with love. I love him very much. I shall never cease.

Note:
More angst filled questions, probably brought on by studying psychology at an early age.

David is another story. An embarrassing one at that. In Junior High school I pretended I was dating David Henesey from Dark Shadows. I'm pretty sure I only pretended to myself, not to the general public. The only time I really remember prentending this was during chorus. I had no singing vocie, so would concentrate on my imagenary boyfriend — David — while I squawked.

17th October, 1974 In which I spout cliches ad nauseam

What is important? Is money important? Is love? Material/Idealistic - what am I? Who am I? Why am I me? Why am I asking such unanswerable questions? Why are they unanswerable? Life is important I guess. Happiness in life is important. I am happy. Why am I happy? What do I really have that is important? I've got love. Someone loves me and I love back. In fact a few people love me. I love them. I could really be myself if I could try. I'm waiting for tomorrow. Tomorrow never ocmes. Today is yesterday's tomorrow and tomorrow's yesterday.

I wish I could sing. I wish I could do many things. I wish Eve had never eaten that apple. Maybe the important things are what come from onself. Money doesn't, so money isn't important. Singing is. Loving is. Sight is. But nature is important because it is beautiful.. Oh well. Ta-ra.

Note:
It is obvious I was taking psychology. Enough said. Geesh.

September 7, 1974 In which I worry about censorship

2:21 pm

In a letter the other day Jeremy suggested, after we are married, to read each other's journals. I don't know how I like that idea. But I suppose that after we are married we will have no secrets from each other. Not that I have any from him now, but what if someday I do? I won't even be able to write it down. I feel now that I must censor what I write. I'm still not going to worry about spelling things wrong.

I talked to Sue this morning. She is going to ruin what she made, I'm afraid. She wants Drooper to stay with her but it can only be for two or three weeks. That means that Jeremy can only stay for that long. She says that we will end up hating each other (Jeremy and I). That's not true. I will never hate him. I don't think I could hate him if he turned Communist. I am really in love with him. Real love - not Lust like Mr. Ismail says.

Note:
I kind of remember Jeremy suggesting this. I don't remember my reaction, but apparently I was against it, and with good reason. Of course, I am posting my journal online for the world to see, but still...

How funny that I thought the worst thing someone could become was a Communist. How I've changed. Now I think I'd switch that word to Republican.

I have no idea who Drooper was - probably a British guy that Sue fancied. He didn't come to the States the next summer when Jeremy did.

Mr Ismail was my high school psychology teacher and he challenged us to define love. He countered each definition we gave with, "That's Lust, not love". He defined it as wanting to spend 95% of your free time with the object of your desire. I think he was nuts.

September 1, 1974 In which I am, again, depressed. Or something.

Almost a month since I last wrote. It's been a long time. School begins in two days. Why am I so depressed? Why? I feel like crying- but not one tear will come. I don't think I feel this way because I miss Jeremy. I do miss him, more than ever, but it's more than missing him I feel. Something else. Not having a job? Could be. My room is clean for once. What else could it be? Could be that Jeremy is dreaming about me or something. Or maybe something terrible has happened to him. God not that, can't be it. Why don't I just cry? Everything would be alright then. Perhaps. I'm empty. I feel like my soul has left my body. I feel like I'm being dragged, or pushed or... I don't know. Forget it.

Note:
I don't remember this at all, but I do remember wanting to cry sometimes - that crying completely cleaned me out. I imagine it was all hormones, but at the time, of course didn't know that.

August 4, 1974 In which I am depressed and melodramatic

My entries are few and far between lately. I've been busy and happy lately. But now I am depressed. My heart hangs heavy. I want to cry but tears won't come. Why? I feel so depressed. Why? Shouldn't I be happy? I wish I could sleep for six years and wake up in Jeremy's arms. Then life would be perfect. Or would it? No, of course not. I would soon find something else to put me down.

I want to cry so badly, but I just can't.

No job, no excitement, a boyfriend 3,948 miles away. How do I love him? Let me count the ways

My body needs something. What is it? Am I depressed because it is my time? Probably. Take a midol, right?

Note:
This is cringeworthy! And melodramatic.

July 22, 1974 In which we say goodbye

The day I've dreaded for ages has arrived. I said goodbye to Jez and his family. Tomorrow I say goodbye to England. It has really been great fun while it lasted. I can't wait until Jeremy and I are together forever. Saying goodbye to loved ones is about the hardest thing I can think of to do. I'm going to begin a letter to Jeremy now.

Note:
This was the first of many partings between Jeremy and me, and each one was as hard as the next, even after we'd broken up. My mom said it was preparing us for the death of the other. Pretty morbid way to put it, and I don't think she was right.

We visited Jeremy and his wife, Frances, in 2002 and saying goodbye that time was hard as well. Mostly because I knew I'd most likely never see him again.

The photograph is of Jeremy and his parents, taken from the bus window.

July 10, 1974 In which I attend a class

10:05 am

I'm in biology class now. Very boring - but we have to go to some classes Mr. Jenkins says. I wish I had time to write all of what I've done in England. I would get tired of writing though.

Note:
I'd be surprised if we weren't expected to attend some classes. Isn't that why were in England?

July 8, 1974 In which we go to Harewood House

Finally, here I am again. I have neglected you for so long.

Since the last entry I've told Jez that I love him after we decided that I didn't. I cried and cried. Yestersay at a place called Harewood House I said I love you to Jez: Boy was he happy. I do -- I hope. Love him, I mean.

Note:
With all of this I love him I don't love him, it is no wonder we eventually went our own ways.

3rd July, 1974 In which I don't know if I want to marry

Jeremy has asked me to marry him. He did this afternoon. I said "yes". Why did I say yes? I am quite afraid that he is just a young boy in a fantasy love affair. I do love him. Engagement is a serious thing. I wish I had someone to talk to. Who could I speak with? It just hit me that Jez is only sixteen. When I was sixteen I thought I loved Gary. Remember how I planned on marrying him? Now Jez. Naybe I should let the "passion" die down a bit. I am really scared. I don't want to hurt him. I've hurt too many others. I think I am cursed with this plague that attracts boys until I push them out. God, I can't hurt him. Please, don't let me hurt him.

Note:
Yes, Jeremy asked me to marry him and I said yes. The rest is pure fantasy on my part. How did I actually believe that I was "cursed with this plague that atrracts boys"? That is plain nuts. Maybe I wished that was so. Maybe I was thinking about Bob and Dan. Yeah, probably. Not a curse though.

And I was, what? Seventeen? Not even a year older than Jeremy. I act as if it were decades ago I was sixteen. Gaaaah!

27th June, 1974 In which I list the things we did in London

Thursday

One week ago today I set off on a journey I will never forget. To England. Between then and now I've seen many sights such as Guildford Cathedral, the Tower of London, Windsor Castle, St Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and more. We also saw a play called Billy and a variety show called The Palladium or something.

Note:
I've got photos of many of these places that I will scan and add to this entry. I made a scrapbook after I returned home, that is still intact today.

I did a little research on the variety show at the Palladium, and it seems that we saw the second iteration of Sunday Night at the London Palladium. It's possible it was televised. I wonder if I knew it at the time. I do remember, however, that the British National Anthem was played and I felt honored that the entire theater stood for a US patriotic song.

June 23, 1974 In which I describe London, use the phone and see a play

London

0815 hours am

London is a nice enough place. I can't quite explain the difference from America except that it is much, much older. Old and new - smack dab next to each other! One of the oldest buildings in London is framed by a high rise - very ironic. I've learned a lot from this trip so far. It's fantastic. And I will learn so much more - since I'm here, right now - seeing everything.

Hey, I called Jez. I tried once, earlier and there was no answer then later I called and Mrs. Burgoyne answered. I told her who I was and she seemed quite pleased. I was in such a good mood after that. Talking to my future mother-in-law (?) for the first time. Wow!

We saw a beautiful play yesterday called "Billy" starring a Michael Crawford. I guess he was in Hello Dolly.

8:30 pm

I have just talked to Jez on the phone. Wow! I feel absolutely grand. I couldn't believe I really was talking to him.

As I was writing the above the phone rang and on the other end was Jez again. We talked for five minutes as we only had three before. Wow! eight glorious minutes of talking to My Jeremy. God, my love for him is bursting through the seams. I love him. I love him. I love him. I could write that forever and neve get writer's cramp. I LOVE HIM!

The first time we were cut off. I felt sad. Oh well. He called back, as I knew he would.

He said that he feels that time goes slower now that I'm so close. That is true. I feel it too. I've really got a lot to do but I can't, at least tomorrow when I get some money.

I wish Sue would hurry up and get back so I can tell her about calling Jez.

He asked for her. She ran off somewhere with Julie. I'm acting really dumb. I see how she feels about being with Julie -- but I still act dumb and, I don't know, just dumb.

Know what I want to do? I don't care about seeing any changing of the guards or anything but Jez. All I want is Jez. To heck with everything else. He is waiting in Horsforth for me. I want to go to him and never ever be separated from him again. But I will, always. We must always say goodbye for a long, long time. He is bound to find someone else, closer to his house, to love more than he claims to love me. I wont find anyone else I love as much as I love him. If he finds someone else I suppose, in time, I will marry, but I'll always love Jez. No matter how long the time or how far the distance will be. I'll always love Jeremy Richard "Eric" B.

Note:
I sort of remember calling and talking to Jeremy's mom - I remember his call more though.

I do remember the musical, though. I'm not sure I'd call it beautiful - but I'd not seen too many professional plays, so anything that didn't star classmates was good, I suppose.

I sure thought I loved Jeremy in this entry. I suppose I did - as much as any teenager can love another teenager. It was real at the time. Possibly the only problem with our relationship was the distance. We became different people during the time apart and when we got together it was hard to reconcile that person with the one we remembered from ten months earlier. It's sad though that I didn't care about the experience of being in London as much as for seeing Jeremy, but that is all normal.

21st June, 1974 In which I am finally there already!!!!

Friday

Guildford, England

11:00 am

Here I am — England. I'm sitting outside a cathedral in Guildford England. The site I am looking out on is most beautiful, just as I pictured it. I wish I could believe that I am here. In England! Finally in England.

On the way here, on a bus from the airport I looked out the window and saw 2 guys (lads) on a motorcycle. The on on back looked up at me and then did a double take. So did I. I said to Sue, "Doesn't he look like Chris Mealy?" She said yeah. Then, he was still staring and as we parted he waved. I went crazy. That was Chris Mealy! I know it!!!

We met this really fantastic man. I thought he was a student, but it turns out he an art teacher. He is so funny. He's from New Jersey. Everything he said was a joke.

Note:
I remember writing this post and taking some photos (not the one here, I borrowed that from http://www.picturesofengland.com/) Of course the boy could not have been Chris Mealy, we were very far away from his home at the time.

Don't recall the comical art teacher from New Jersey at all.

20th June, 1974 In which I fly to England

Thursday

Well! Here I am, in an airplane over Michigan!

This morning I got up at 7:00 (without the alarm) and realized what today was! My England Day, June 20, 1974. It began like any other day, bickering between my family, (little bit) and whatnot.

Then 9:10 came and we left for Larkin. Lori was there and I said goodbye to her. Then Cindy came and I said bye to her.

What a strange sensation, flying is. I really should do it more often! In an hour and a half I will be in New York! I will see the Statue of Liberty! Wow!!! Then I will be on my way to England! Over the ocean. The Sea! Oh my gosh, I really don't believe what is happening to me. I remember when I first heard about England. It really is unbelievable that I'm here.

Note:
I remember being excited about the flight, singing "We're going on an airplane!" with Sue B. I don't really recall much of the flight except that the plane had two stories and Sue and I got up and walked around. We asked if we could go to the other story, but were told not in flight, maybe later.

It was pretty unbelievable I was there. Things like that just didn't happen to the likes of me.

19th June, 1974 In which I use many exclaimation points and visit with an old friend

Wednesday

Tomorrow is the big day! I leave for England at 9:30 am. I have a headache right now. Oh, woe is me. Nothing ever goes right - Ha, Ha. I am going to England!!! What more can I ask? I have received $270.00 this last week. Oh my gosh, what an idiot I am. I am nervous or something. I still have a lot to do.

3:40 pm

Well, wonders of wonders. Guess who I just saw! Stephanie K. (V.) I haven't seen her for years. I am so happy. She has invited me to come out sometime. I can't believe it at all! She is so great! Great!!!

Note:
I think my Aunt Ginny and Uncle Jack gave me another $100 for the trip. Not sure where the other money came from though.

Obviously I was very excited about the adventure upon which I was about to embark. I counted eight exclamation points in that short entry.

Stephanie was the daughter of a friend of my mom's. She was one or two years older than me and was a kind of free spirit. She'd moved to San Diego either during or after high school I believe she married young (she must have been married at this time as her last name was different from what I remember it to have been). I remember being awe of her and her accomplishments at the time. I don't think I knew anyone who had escaped Elgin like she did.

Many years later my then boyfriend, now husband, and I visited her in San Diego when we were living in LA one summer. We had delicious Mexican food.

I had lunch with her mother over this past Christmas holiday and she said that Stephanie is still into her music. (I remember she was in a band long ago)

10th June, 1974 In which I have cramps and more angst

Monday

I got another letter from Jez today. It is really nice, as all of his letters are. It is hard to believe only ten more days to go. I've got a a lot to do, but I have awful cramps. I was really going to begin to pack. I will when the pill takes effect. I guess mom found out that it is her thyroid. I am glad.

I've still got to mail Jez's, Grandma's and Pam's letters. Sometimes I think that Jeremy is just a young boy going through a love (puppy) affair. This isn't true with me. I am true and, I don't know. I hope I can come to a realization this summer. I love Jez. He is absolutely the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life. I really want to marry him. He is so perfect. If he is at the end of it I could wait a hundred years.

Grandma Patrick said that she had something for me. I think it is money. I hope so. I need it. I now have the grand total of $43.34 in my purse, $20.00 in the Larkin Bank.

Note:
More angst over love and Jeremy. This is getting a little old, but I imagine I really was confused.

My Grandma Patrick did, indeed, have money for me. Whenever she would dispense money to her children or grandchildren, she'd go through a unusual little ritual. She'd had a mastectomy years ago (not cancer, but for some reason the doctors removed one of her breasts - infection perhaps before antibiotics?) Anyway that is where she kept her money, in the padding of her empty bra cup. So when she wanted to give someone money she would ask us to come into her room and she would undo the top buttons of her dress, reach in her bra and pull out cash. I believe she gave me $100 - a huge sum for me back then.

Notice that I've begun writing the date European style.

June 9, 1974 In which I feel artistic and dizzy

Sunday

I suddenly feel artistic. Why? I don't know, maybe Jez has inspired me or something. Speaking about Jez, I am having dizzy spells all night when I think or talk of him. It could be shock or maybe just fatigue. I am going shopping with Lori S. tomorrow night. I am not sure what to buy, but I have to get a few things. I babysat last night until 4:00 am. Maybe that's why I'm blacking out every once in a while.

Note:
I don't recall these feelings at all. It was not unusual to babysit so long - I wonder who it was for this time.

June 3, 1974 In which I am restless

I am so restless. I want to sleep but I have so much to do before I leave that I am kept awake worrying about it. I don't know what I want to do. Clean? I haven't studied for my Spanish final at all. What if I fail it? Then I will fail Spanish. What then? Oh shit, I don't know anything anymore.

Note:
It must have been worry and excitement about going to another country and seeing Jeremy again. I don't recall feeling restless though.

May 30, 1974 In which I enjoy prom

Thursday

Last night was Prom. I had fears galore about the rotten time I was going to have. But I had a good time. Dan finally realizes our relationship. We are friends. After Prom Mike B. wanted to go to his boss's apartment. I knew why. After we got there he and his date used the bedroom. Dan couldn't believe his eyes! I said that's what I figured they would do. Dan and I talked and talked. I am so glad we are back to normal.

I really love Jeremy. I got a letter from him the other day. To to be exact (that makes eight counting the card and my parent's [letter]). One brought the news that I would be staying there for three weeks! To live in the same house as Jeremy B! My love.

Note:
My memories of Prom are different from this. I remember acting bored, so much so that someone later asked if I'd had too much to drink because it looked like I was sleeping at the table with my head down. I was offended by the entertainment - a belly dancer. I don't even have a photo of myself in my prom dress standing next to my date - my mom forgot to take a photo and Dan claims the photo his mom took didn't turn out.

I'm surprised I knew that Mike and his date were going to have sex in the bedroom. I didn't know I was so worldly wise.

As for the letter from Jeremy saying I was going to stay in his house - I guess I neglected to write that Vilma's mother wrote us and said that "under the circumstances" I was not welcome at her house.

May 24, 1974 In which I have room for no more wishes

Friday

I really ought to keep up more in my journal. Happy little things happen throughout each day that I will forget if I don't write them down. Sue really looked nice today. I bought a cute outfit yesterday. Only eight days of school left. next Wednesday is Prom. I really don't want to go at all, but I must. I guess I will be wearing my tan shoes, maybe not. I wish I knew someone with the same size feet myself. Kay B. does. I love John Denver's music. 27 days before I leave for England! I am still wondering about Jez. Do I love him? Tomorrow is my jewelry party. I don't really especially want to have it but I have to now. I wish, I wish, What do I wish? No more room for dreams to come true. My calendar is completely filled. Jez is really something. Really something. Will I marry him? Would I say "yes" if he asked me? I don't know. I have so much to do and no time to do it in. I would like to write to Jez but I haven't anything to say anymore. I love to get his letters. I should write to Vilma.

Looking back she saw that it was quite sudden. She only knew him for four days. How can you love someone you've known for that short time? they asked. But strangely she knew. She could. Although she asked herself a hundred times each day! Do I love him? She knew each time she did. It wasn't because he was from England, or that he kissed her. But something else. An attraction. A magnetic force pulling their souls together. Yes she loved him. But did he love her? With each of his letters she grew more certain of his love for her.

How did it all begin? When did we really begin to love each other? Was it at The Sting?

Note:
I don't remember this angst at all. It seemed to me that I took the "love" at face value. Jeremy was my first real boyfriend. I find it interesting that I was so unsure. I'm also surprised I was still writing to Vilma.