May 16, 1974 In Which I Have Doubts about Love

Thursday

8:20 pm

Here I am, sitting in my room twelve days after I bid Jeremy adieu. Time really flew fast. Why? Now I know how fast my time in England will fly. But, then, if we still love each other as much as we do now - - - - - Do I love him? I must be honest with myself. I am flattered by his attentions but is it true love? I feel that I am lying each time I say that I love him. I know how much I want him - but is want as good as love? Will I be able to wait six long years for Jez? It is a long time. I can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else. I wish I knew if it was really love. I heard once that if you had any doubt at all it couldn't be love. I have doubt sometimes. But when I read his letters I know I love him, I think. Maybe I am not ready for any commitments but don't want him to be around other girl for fear of finding one he likes better than me.

Maybe Debbie K. is right. She said that I like him because he touched me. He did - that's true - but after I told him that I loved him. I have never in my life told a guy that I love him. But I told Jeremy. Jeff once told me he loved me. I said he was crazy. Almost I feel that Jeremy is at the end of a long and straight road with many misfortunes on it. There are other roads leading off of it and there I could find happiness with little trouble but I have a chance on great love or great troubles at the end of the road. If I would just wait six years for Jez and feel guilty any time I was out with any other guy all those long years Jez could at the last minute say, "I love you Doner but I have found my real Galadriel." Then I would have missed out on a lot of life, waiting for a disappointment. I won't be the one to tell Jez how I feel if I feel it won't work out. I couldn't hurt myself that way.

I have gone farther with him than any other boy, Altough I didn't go far with him.

I just wonder how many other girls Jez has said "I love you" to. Maybe lots, maybe none. Who knows? What about that girl in Wales? Oh well, I am probably working for nothing.

Here I traced the bird pendant given to me by Dan T's father. It was probably a "dove of peace" but I labeled it "J. L. Seagull ?" I also drew some of those m's and upside down v's that kids used for birds. Finally I wrote out Jeremy's full name.

Note

This entry really needs no note. As will be seen, I did exactly to Jeremy what I feared he'd do to me. I waited 5 years and said, basically: "Thanks but no thanks. I've gotten tired of you."

May 13, 1974 In Which I Impatiently Await a Letter from Jeremy

Monday

4:06 pm

No word from Jeremy except the Saturday after he left they called Jim B's house and Jeremy told someone to tell me that he loves me and misses me and that he will write soon. Soon, eh? I expected a letter Saturday. It's been ten days. I found two poems and a theme that he wrote in a paper/magazine of Benton Park.

Only thirty-eight days left before I set off for England. And about forty-two or three before I see Jez again. I told mother that I wasn't sure whether I really loved Jez. She said that I did for sure. I am not so certain anymore. I know I don't love Dan at all -- as a matter of fact I don't even like him much. I have to find a prom dress soon. Ick! I don't even want to go to prom. Especially not with Dan.

Note:

Ten days does seem a long time to wait for an airmail letter. I think that sometimes they would arrive much sooner.

I don't remember my mother telling me that she was sure I loved Jeremy. I'm surprised, but then, maybe not so much.