March 5, 1976 In which I use far too many clichés

Friday

Good gosh! Unbelievable how I am writing so much lately! Actually it is now 3:57 pm. I am working and some people I know just stopped over.

Woody and I talked again today (of course -- it's Friday). He asked me that when I get things straightened out in my head if I would go out with him again. I said I would.

Two of the most important things in the world are truth and love. Lately these have both been practically denied to me for other love. I can't put it into words.

I know I am much too far along in this relationship with Woody to turn back. I don't want to turn back. I want to plow forth to find green pastures and happiness. But I am afraid that green pastures and happiness may lead to barren fields and sadness. Why can't I have two to love instead of one. Actually it is not two I want, but at least one who is always present. I am afraid I have developed too late. I mean developed in a sense of security with a guy. I used to criticize Sally S. for always wanting a guy to hang on [to] -- and usually having one! Maybe I was jealous -- of course that was it. Envy is an evil thing. "That green headed monster."

Woody and I think alike.

Ticket stub for
[Tape residue here, but no ticket stub] <--- Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother Woodfield, 3/4/76

The above is proof of it. He saved this for me :-). And I forgot, but thought of asking him for it. Not that it is any proof of secret love or anything.

OK. If you are reading this, Jeremy, I hope you forgive my digression off the path of love for you. I have not stopped loving you -- in fact our love (my love for you) has become greater. I do believe that I appreciate you much more. Just think, when you read this we will be married. How do you like being wed to me? Is it paradise as we had planned? Do we have children? What have we named them?

Note:
This entry, aside from the angst felt, is possibly the most embarrassing I've read of my journal entries. I use laughable old clichés and think that someone saving a ticket stub for me to paste in a journal proves connected thought processes. It seems that not only did I loose a sense of self and displayed poor judgment by continuing to date Woody (for dating it was) while "engaged" to Jeremy, I lost my personal voice in writing.

February 23, 1976 -- In which I analyze my feelings about Woody

Monday

7:30 pm

I don't know why I am writing this. I've already got my emotions straightened out I think. I just can't figure out the good feelings I have around Woody (that's his name for sure, I asked him). They are not sexual, for he is not very good looking, they aren't really emotional either. I just like him. But I have an awful feeling (it isn't awful at all) that he has a different sort of feeling for me. I am not sure. I guess that this is what I hoped for. Now "to lead him on or not to lead him on, that is the question." (Whether 'tis nobler...)

I don't really know. I don't know what I'd do if he asked me out. I hope he does. We may go to a concert this Saturday. I'm not sure; he just asked me if I was going. Maybe he will want to meet there. Why do I care? A good excuse is that I have uneventful weekends. All I do is sit around and get bored. I need social interaction but I won't get it on my own. I need friends. What to do???

My stupid face is breaking out. I hate that. I've got a paper to do for English.

Note:
All I can say is WHAT A BITCH! I was calculatingly planning on leading him on? Geeze... I thought I was a better person than that.

February 9, 1976 -- In which we meet Woody

Monday

10:55

I've finally hit upon something I can't very well write to Jeremy -- my attraction to another man guy. I can't figure it out. I "dressed up" for this person today -- I even curled my hair. He is in my dreams and even supersedes Jeremy on my waking thoughts.

I love Jeremy. I can't have any emotion left over for "Woody" (I'm not sure what his name is, he never told me). Why do I get all in a hassle over such a silly thing?

I feel like a teeny-bopper with a crush! In essence that is what I am. I am so happy to be alive right now. Whether or not "Woody" has anything to do with my renewed love of life, I don't really care. I think I'll tell him.

Note:
While I don't remember meeting Woody, I do remember him well as we were to become good friends over the next few years.

November 5, 1975 In which I don't know what is wrong.

Wednesday
11:30 pm

I can't sleep. I wrote to Jeremy earlier and I've nothing to say.

I don't know why I can't sleep -- I should go and get some warm milk. Then I'll be off to dreamland in an instant. I feel like I should be doing something, but I have every right to be in bed doing nothing. I am anxious now and upset. About what though? I don't know. I'm worried about how I am going to get home two weeks from now -- isn't that stupid? My stomach is churning. I wonder what I am upset about. I wish I was rich. I don't have any problems -- I think about people that do.

What to get people for Christmas? Stupid. Why worry -- November 5 only. My head is whirring. I should order [a] sampler.

Jeremy wants to read this. Should I burn it? What is the use if I do burn it. So much has gone on from green cover to brown cover.

I have to make my graduation notebook.

I don't like MP. She doesn't really care about other people. MB is stupid.

Why don't I ever write in this book? School is OK. This year went by so fast. I am going to England in 250 days. Am I really going alone? CJ hasn't written to me. I miss her.

Soon I will begin another theme book. I wonder if I should use that marble one.

Note:
I don't remember this. And I never drank warm milk to sleep. I thought it tasted awful. I guess I also thought it sounded like something a cultured person would do, so I wrote it in here.

23/24th Novemer, 1974 In which I have a bunch of questions

Saturday/Sunday

I love Jeremy.

What does that mean? "I" means Dona Lee Patrick, that's simple. "Jeremy" is Jeremy Richard Burgyone. But what is love? Pleasure? Security? I didn't get a letter from him this week. When this happens I begin wondering what life without him would be like. Sometimes I use him for a crutch and a reason that I don't date. It is nice having a reason instead of the fact that no one asked me.

"The Sting" — such memories. The song is playing now. "Our song" The first time he put his arm around me was during this song. We kissed during this song in England. When I remember our happy times together I know I couldn't live without him. I shall never love another human being as I love him. I want to have his children, but I'm frightened. I think about death a lot. Jeremy's death, my own. That I have some terminal illness or he was blown up or some terrible thing such as that.

David was back the other day. He hasn't been around for years. I used to conjure up some pretty weird adventures for us to go on. Being spys and scuh. Funny thing though, we never kissed or anything in my fantasies but when he came back we were quite intimate. He was my imaginary crutch in Junior High. Then I thought I had Gary. Then I just suffered, knowing that imaging was getting me nowhere. Sometimes now I wish I could date. But not often as I hate large parties. I want to go out with some guy and make out with him in a car — sometimes. But that wave of "sexual desire" fades fast and I'm myself again, writing to Jeremy in letters filled with love. I love him very much. I shall never cease.

Note:
More angst filled questions, probably brought on by studying psychology at an early age.

David is another story. An embarrassing one at that. In Junior High school I pretended I was dating David Henesey from Dark Shadows. I'm pretty sure I only pretended to myself, not to the general public. The only time I really remember prentending this was during chorus. I had no singing vocie, so would concentrate on my imagenary boyfriend — David — while I squawked.

19th June, 1974 In which I use many exclaimation points and visit with an old friend

Wednesday

Tomorrow is the big day! I leave for England at 9:30 am. I have a headache right now. Oh, woe is me. Nothing ever goes right - Ha, Ha. I am going to England!!! What more can I ask? I have received $270.00 this last week. Oh my gosh, what an idiot I am. I am nervous or something. I still have a lot to do.

3:40 pm

Well, wonders of wonders. Guess who I just saw! Stephanie K. (V.) I haven't seen her for years. I am so happy. She has invited me to come out sometime. I can't believe it at all! She is so great! Great!!!

Note:
I think my Aunt Ginny and Uncle Jack gave me another $100 for the trip. Not sure where the other money came from though.

Obviously I was very excited about the adventure upon which I was about to embark. I counted eight exclamation points in that short entry.

Stephanie was the daughter of a friend of my mom's. She was one or two years older than me and was a kind of free spirit. She'd moved to San Diego either during or after high school I believe she married young (she must have been married at this time as her last name was different from what I remember it to have been). I remember being awe of her and her accomplishments at the time. I don't think I knew anyone who had escaped Elgin like she did.

Many years later my then boyfriend, now husband, and I visited her in San Diego when we were living in LA one summer. We had delicious Mexican food.

I had lunch with her mother over this past Christmas holiday and she said that Stephanie is still into her music. (I remember she was in a band long ago)

June 3, 1974 In which I am restless

I am so restless. I want to sleep but I have so much to do before I leave that I am kept awake worrying about it. I don't know what I want to do. Clean? I haven't studied for my Spanish final at all. What if I fail it? Then I will fail Spanish. What then? Oh shit, I don't know anything anymore.

Note:
It must have been worry and excitement about going to another country and seeing Jeremy again. I don't recall feeling restless though.